Anecdotes of the 400 metre variety…

Each and every squad gets up to its mischievous behaviour and the 400m squad is no different. We could devote this whole page to Sam Grealy, but there are others to mention. Firstly, Mike Amson – he uses tan amplifier and fake tan (Apparently 2 for 1 in Sainsbury’s at the moment. He also got caught w*nking in the Charnwood sunbeds recently and has had his membership cancelled.

Jonny Edwards is on first term names with the girls in Nails Beauty Salon, and many of Sam Grealy’s female friends have spotted him going for a cheeky sunbed. “I think his tally for this year alone is over 30”. He has had so many that he gets free ones now. At training last week we found a toy beanie in his car which he had been ‘given’ by one of the girls there. He often phones Sam Grealy for sunbed dates.

James Chatt has admitted to waxing his chest several times to the 400m boys. He is also famous amongst the older athletes in the squad for his ‘mangina’ – the skill of tucking ‘it’ between your legs and pretending to be female. At the BUSAs in Bedford this year however, he was standing in the final call area with Dave Creak, Brad Yiend and Dave Brackstone before the 400m relay final when he decided it was time for a ‘mangina’. He pulled the shorts down and proceeded to assume the position when ‘it’ popped out much to the disdain of the young girls who were warming up for their 1500m final. James just laughed.

He also walked home with a girl last year from vice-versa all the way home with his bum hanging out. Some passing girls commented “that’s disgusting”, to which James replied “shut up – you love it!”

Jonny ‘teacher’ Hussain now takes to sharing his knowledge with fellow athletes whilst at training sessions. He was heard asking someone last week if they knew the difference between weight and mass. Who cares! Jonny has calmed down a bit now but he’s ageing well and the numerous sunbeds aren’t having too pronounced an effect on his skin. He’s out every night that echoes is open. I think he’s applying to live there.

As well as his gay modeling, Si Plaskitt has been spotted in Vice Versa on gay nights and is quoted as having said “you have to get involved in these things”. Guess who spotted him in there? None other than Sam Grealy.

Then there’s Dave Creak. He tries to get away with wearing hand-me-down classics from his granddad. He can often be seen sporting a long-sleeved tight bridgedale classic thermal top. It is navy blue and red and he looks like Dennis the menace when he wears it. “I get a lot of respect for wearing this” – he says. Sam Grealy has asked Dave if he can borrow it to go out clubbing in.

Mr Hussain, Mr Chatt and Mr Creak were all out in Matt’s bar last year. There were about 30 blokes and 3 girls. James hopped onto the pool table and started doing the ‘Chatt dance’ Jonny soon followed with the ‘400m groove’ – whatever that is. Dave (who had carried an umbrella due to the rain) hopped onto the table – on his own – and started doing a kind of ‘rowing’ dance) with the umbrella. The women soon left.

However, Pete Lloyd-Jones spotted Dave in the same bar the next week with 5 ladies around him. He raised his eyebrows at Dave only to find out later that they were just his housemates.

Dawn has been scaring off the blokes in echoes, not because of her pleasant complexion, but because she has bigger muscles than them and they feel intimidated.

Jenny Blackman is a dirty scoundrel too. At her recent 21^st birthday bash in Nottingham she had to see how many blokes she could snog (If you ever meet someone with a similar agenda, make sure you’re near the beginning of the list – Ed) before the end of the night. Once inside the Works, Jenny starting getting busy and was spotted with a different bloke every 3 minutes. However, as the night drew to a close, James ‘the man’ Chatt and crew were hanging out by the top bar in the Ice Room when Jenny walks in. She has had about 21 snogs by now and a lot of alcohol. She grabs a random guy and takes him into the adjacent bloke’s toilets. Mr Chatt and Co just stare at each other in disbelief for a moment.

Ed grey then walks into the Ice Room.

A few minutes later, Miss Blackman emerges from the toilets after having performed what may be politely described as ‘going down’. Having seen James and Co she wanders over. She then goes to kiss Sam Grealy but he spots her coming and fobs her off onto the unsuspecting Ed Grey (The first smart move Sam made all night). Ed then gets into it with Jenny only later to find out that those lips had been somewhere else moments earlier. He proceeds to the toilets to throw up. Wonder if he used the same cubicle…..

The Muscle-building diet of the 400m squad has been revealed. 4 baby octopus for breakfast, lunch and dinner! The anabolic properties were first discovered by the Chinese and Bruce Lee used them. Andy East suggests stopping 5 times every time you p*ss, as it increases the size of the prostrate gland allowing you to last longer.

The 400m group have started to campaign to help save Plaskitt’s pecs. We are hoping to raise 200 pounds to buy him a bench press to stop them deflating. Come on.

On the news of the ‘octopus diet’, we have also received reports of Sam Grealy p*ssing pink after munching too much (octo)pussy.

Broken arm, but not broken spirits

In May, when Sam Grealy broke his arm he was quite upset. Dave Creak quite kindly finished his training early to assist him on his trip to the hospital. Ryan Davoile offered transport in his classic Renault. Upon arriving at the Loughborough drop in centre, Sam was put on a bed by a nurse (he was loving it) and given some very heavy drugs to sedate the pain. He then needed to urinate. The nurse said he couldn’t move due to the pain killers, so she gave Dave a container which resembled a misshaped bottle. As one of Sam’s arms was in a sling and the other one was needed to hold his pecker, the nurse told Dave that he would have to hold the container there for him. Dave gripped the head of the container and ‘held it there’ Sam positioned ‘it’ inside the bottle and started to relieve himself. “This must look so gay”, said Sam. There were some disconcerting sounds coming from Sam as the container quickly filled up. Dave felt the bottle getting warmer, much warmer and heavier. “Don’t spill” Dave cried. “It’s alright” replied Sam. He finished and much to Dave’s relief kept all his liquid inside the container. The nurse returned and took the bottle of urine away. An ambulance came and Sam was rushed off to the hospital. He asked

Dave to stay with him and the nurse agreed it was a good idea.

When in the hospital, Sam was put in a bed and on the other side of his dividing curtain was a mother and baby. Sam asked Dave to go and get a fit nurse to come and talk to him. So Dave went off a hunting… whilst he was gone, the nearby baby had pooped itself and for those of you who are familiar with the horrendous smells babies produce you can imagine what it smelt like.

A very attractive nurse wanders towards Sam but screws her face up when she smells ‘Sam’. She walks straight on past and gets an old woman to ‘check him over’. Breaking your arm can really stink. Unlucky Sam. Dave leaves and Sam is left on his own for a few days wearing his Loughborough Lycra shorts and vest. The old ladies in the hospital were loving it. Sam was loving the attention and showed them the biceps on his good arm and his ‘ripped’ abs.

Upon leaving with a metal plate inserted in his left arm, the 400m boys told him he could never sunbed again as the UV rays would heat the plate up inside his arm. He was gutted.

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