Loughborough welcomes new training squad

Yes, that’s right – a new force is emerging from the depths of Loughborough’s elite training arena. A group of athletes with one unified determination and vision: to look good. Please welcome the Image Squad.

This group of athletes have been found ‘training’ in powerbase on many occasions, several times each week. The group claim to be improving their strength but are only working their upper body biceps and chest. Sam Grealy has been heard after every exercise saying “how did I look?” “Do my biceps look big enough?” “Is my chest manly enough?” “Look at my ripped six-pack” and “do I look gay enough?”

It appears that Mr Grealy’s ambition in life is to become a gay pin-up model, following in the footsteps of his all-time hero, Si Plaskitt, who has been seen posing recently in his leopard-skin thong for photographs which have been posted on his brand new website which is selling prints of these images online. See Si for the URL.

Those athletes who have been caught working the upper-body too much cannot be named for sake of reprisals so we have removed some letters to obscure their identities. People such as M*ke Ams*n, P*ul Toh*ll, A*dy E*st, and S*m Gre*ly have been found guilty. These athletes are becoming top-heavy and are in danger of toppling over. “The birds love my big muscles”, one of them said. Well, it’s a shame that when it comes to running you have to use your legs, isn’t it? Never mind lads, there’s always next season to run fast.

Mike Amson is taking ZMA this year, a natural blend of zinc and magnesium, usually used to burst your natural testosterone levels to help improve strength, but in Mike’s case it is used to help him get it up, as he has been found struggling lately. To help his member on its way north, Mike has often been caught walking into the nearby room of housemate Tamsin wearing just his boxers. Tamsin never seems approving but I don’t think Mike’s got the message yet. Mike is turned on by Tamsin’s habit of never wearing a bra when she goes out.

Paul Tohill needs a wash according to sources who have walked past him during gym sessions down ‘Base. They claim there is a strong urine/b.o. smell when he’s in ‘the vicinity’. Someone mentioned this to Paul in a moment of spite, he told them to f*** off. That lovely Irish charm…

Andy East has been working double-time with his training this year. As well as many gym and technical sessions, he has been doing a few extra ‘stretching’ exercises of his own. “I’ve been working hard on the program from pen*sdevelopment.com” he says proudly. He added “the program only costs $40 and it really works”. Long-time Loughborough athlete, Jonny Hussain pitched in with “Yes, the program’s not bad but you have to put the hours in.”

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